Author: Dylan Moran

The sun—you live about three quarters of a mile from it.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Places

It sounds like typewriters eating tin foil being kicked down the stairs.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Communication Places Speech

It’s easy to smile when you have a squirrel’s intellect.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Stupidity

So thoroughly corrupt, every time he smiles an angel gets gonorrhea!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Insults People

He’s so f**king crooked he sleeps on a spiral staircase!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Insults

Fruit… it's just God showing off… “Look at all the colors I know!”

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs God

You're looking for a lump in a bag of lumps… that can take some time.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Health Men People

I'm a vegetarian… well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Eating Food/Drink People Self

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex; men are people that have sex because they have a headache… or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Men People Sex

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Cooking Food/Drink People Women

Bagpipes covered in hair.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears; what the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark… for hours… and don't move… I'm locking the door now.'

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

When you're born, you have a finger up your nose, the other hand on your dick, and you get taller; and that is really it.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Life Men People

[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Age

You look like a horse in a man costume.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Insults

German food is so bad, even Hitler was a vegetarian.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink

Everybody knows that if female genitalia could speak, it would sound exactly like Enya.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
People Women

Scotland, the country where they fry the food five times to make sure it’s dead.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Places

He's had so many face-lifts, his face has moved to the top of his head, you have to get on a step-ladder to watch him lie!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Insults

What's he doing? Nobody ever gets 75%; is he coming round at night, with a pot roast, touching you on the knee and telling you that you’ve lost weight?

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
People

[Tequila] is not even a drink; it’s a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink