Author: Dylan Moran

I've seen insects walking around with kneepads.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Animals Exaggerations Places

It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first thing you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Crime Places

I’m not a fighter, I’m a bleeder.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Fights Self

The sun—you live about three quarters of a mile from it.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Places

What's he doing? Nobody ever gets 75%; is he coming round at night, with a pot roast, touching you on the knee and telling you that you’ve lost weight?

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
People

I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive; I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Cooking Food/Drink People Women

[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Age

Fruit… it's just God showing off… “Look at all the colors I know!”

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs God

America is like the really bad flatmate of the world: ‘Oh sorry, did I break all your shit? I didn't know it was yours… yeah, I'll replace it sometime… with my stuff.’

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
America Places

Men are people that have sex because they have a headache… or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Men People Sex

It sounds like typewriters eating tin foil being kicked down the stairs.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Communication Places Speech

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex; men are people that have sex because they have a headache… or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Men People Sex

You're supposed to eat the cows; they're great big lumbering stupid things – they’d be everywhere if we didn’t eat them.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Animals Eating Food/Drink Life

The country where they invented bacon flavor mouthwash.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Places

He's had so many face-lifts, his face has moved to the top of his head, you have to get on a step-ladder to watch him lie!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Insults

He’s so f**king crooked he sleeps on a spiral staircase!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Insults

I have this! Are you interested?

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Relationships Sex

I'm a vegetarian… well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Eating Food/Drink People Self

You're looking for a lump in a bag of lumps… that can take some time.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Health Men People

It’s easy to smile when you have a squirrel’s intellect.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Stupidity