Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Ed O’Neill
People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Occupations
TV/Movie Quotes
Work
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage
Sex
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
[doorbell rings] Peg, could you get that? It’s probably the ‘Homeless: It Could Be Worse’ Tour.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Life
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
What was I thinking when I said “I do”? I’d already had sex with her; I didn’t need that again.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage
Sex
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Today is the first day of the end of your life.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Insurance is like marriage – you pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Insurance
Pretty women make us buy beer… ugly women make us drink beer.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Beer
Women
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
I don’t want to have sex; you’re my wife, for God’s sake!
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage
Sex
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Why do we have to go out Peg? … Isn’t it enough I know I’m married to you; do we have to tell the whole world?
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage
TV/Movie Quotes
Wives
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Christmas is not the time for regrets… that's what anniversaries are for.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Regrets
Sorry, Peg, I didn’t hear you; I was thinking of killing myself.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Self
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Peggy: I want sex.
Al: So do I, but I see no reason to drag
you
into it.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Sex
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Peg, this is your birthday, please don’t make me kill you!
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Birthdays
Woman: I need shoes.
Al: Blacksmith's right around the corner.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Insults
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Shoes
If I wanted you to know what I’m thinking, I’d be talking.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Communication
Speech
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Sex again Peg? … we’ve been married seventeen years now; can’t we just be friends?
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage
Sex
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
I had to go by the drug store to get some marital aids: breath mints for you and Wild Turkey for me!
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage
Sex
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Marital aids