Author: Eddie Izzard

They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people, but I think the guns help.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Arms Conflict Killing

Guns don't kill people; it's those bullets ripping through the body.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Arms Conflict Death

I have no problem with homophobia; as long as they do it behind closed doors.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Fear Sex

If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**king block of concrete!

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
People

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? … we shall call him Englebert Humperdink… yes, that'll work.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
People

If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been 'It's round.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Books Communication

Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet; they should be the luckiest animals in the world.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Animals

I wanna live ’til I die, no more, no less.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Life

I want to succeed in America where, unlike Britain, they do not regard ambition as being the same as eating babies.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
America Places Success

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Drugs

The first coherent line ever spoken was ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Communication Intelligence Speech Understanding

Some people are widely read – I'm thinly read.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Communication Intelligence People Reading/Writing Self

The first coherent line ever spoken was: ‘I have no idea what you're talking about.’

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Communication Speech

Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Cats

Armageddon is Australian for "Armageddon outta here!"

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

I like my coffee like I like my women… in a plastic cup.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
People Women

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Games

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs God

You say ‘erbs, and we say Herbs… because there’s a f**king ‘H’ in it!

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Communication Language

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Situations

I grew up in Europe… where the history comes from.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
History Places Time