Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Elayne Boosler
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
History
Men
People
Time
Ancestors
Directions
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Animals
Dogs
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Appearance
Body
Men
People
Women
Men can say things in stores women can't believe like, "but I already have a pair of black pants.”
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Men
People
Shopping
Speech
Women
There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews; Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Beliefs
Characteristics
People
Religion
Catholics
Guilt
Jews
How come dogs hate it if you blow in their faces; but when they get in the car, they stick their heads out the window.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Animals
Dogs
Ever notice that Soup For One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Food/Drink
Shopping
Grocery stores
I know what men want; men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Men
People
Women
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Characteristics
Situations
Morals
Men are very strange.; when they wake up in the morning they want things like toast. I don’t have those recipes
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Eating
Food/Drink
Men
People
I do clean up a little if company is coming; I'll wipe the lipstick off the milk container.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Activities
Housework
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping; men invade another country.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Eating
Men
People
Shopping
War
Women
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Marriage
People
Self
Wouldn’t it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Health
Money
AIDS
Televison preachers
I'm just a person trapped in a woman's body.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Body
People
Self
Women
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers; good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Mothers
Relationships
Jesus
Surrogates
Vatican
My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Family
Brother
Gay
A man who was loved by 300 women singled me out to live with him… Why? … I was the only one without a cat.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Animals
Cats
Dating
Relationships
What do hookers do on their nights off – type?
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
People
Work
Prostitutes