Author: Emo Phillips

My mother was like a sister to me… only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Mothers Sex

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Religion

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Government Politics

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

Well, my brother says “hello!”… so, hooray for speech therapy.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Speech

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Death People

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Computers Games Sports Things

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities

You know what I hate?… Indian givers… no, I take that back.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics Communication Language

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms Conflict Time

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Family Language Last words

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms Conflict Education School

I like walking in the park… plucking out nose hairs; those sleeping winos hate that.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual.’

(1956 – ) American comedian
England People Places Self

I picked up a hitchhiker… you've got to when you hit them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics People Places

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body; then I realized who was telling me this.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Body Intelligence

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Fools Intelligence Places

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass; the refill contained the antidote.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations