Author: Emo Phillips

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Family Language Last words

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Children Friends Old People

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is; I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Emotions Men Success Women

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked; that is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Appearance Self

I ran three miles today… finally I said, ‘Lady take your ‘purse.'

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Exercise

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Parents Reading/Writing School

I like walking in the park… plucking out nose hairs; those sleeping winos hate that.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual.’

(1956 – ) American comedian
England People Places Self

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Marriage Wives

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Sleep

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Government Politics

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Relationships Self

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye – and dragged it fifteen feet.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Body Places Situations

I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms Children People Things

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics People Places

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert;’ I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine.’

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics Situations

I'm a great lover… I bet.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Opinion Sex

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships Situations