Author: Emo Phillips

I'm a great lover… I bet.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Opinion Sex

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships Situations

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Girls Life Sex

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Life Time

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Death People

I picked up a hitchhiker… you've got to when you hit them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Religion

My mother was like a sister to me… only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Mothers Sex

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked; that is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Appearance Self

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older… little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman—stuff you pay good money for in later life.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Age Life Sex

You know what I hate?… Indian givers… no, I take that back.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics Communication Language

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil… I don’t know how much she charges him though.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Girlfriends People

England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual.’

(1956 – ) American comedian
England People Places Self

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Individuals

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Children Friends Old People

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics People Places

Well, my brother says “hello!”… so, hooray for speech therapy.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Speech

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Marriage Wives

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it; I said, ‘Thyroid problems?’

(1956 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Clothing