Author: Emo Phillips Page 2

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed… so I said, “Get off of me, you two!”

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Wordplay

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

I got some new underwear the other day… well, new to me.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body; then I realized who was telling me this.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Body Intelligence

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Conflict Killing Life People Time

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

(1956 – ) American comedian
People Self Sex

Well, my brother says “hello!”… so, hooray for speech therapy.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Speech

I ran three miles today… finally I said, ‘Lady take your ‘purse.'

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Exercise

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Religion

England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual.’

(1956 – ) American comedian
England People Places Self

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked; that is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Appearance Self

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Sleep

I picked up a hitchhiker… you've got to when you hit them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older… little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman—stuff you pay good money for in later life.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Age Life Sex

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Relationships Self

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Parents Reading/Writing School

I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms Children People Things

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye – and dragged it fifteen feet.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Body Places Situations

I'm a great lover… I bet.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Opinion Sex

I learned about sex the hard way… from books.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Sex