Author: Emo Phillips Page 2

Well, my brother says “hello!”… so, hooray for speech therapy.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Speech

I ran three miles today… finally I said, ‘Lady take your ‘purse.'

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Exercise

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Death People

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Government Politics

England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual.’

(1956 – ) American comedian
England People Places Self

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Life Time

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is; I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Emotions Men Success Women

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations

You know what I hate?… Indian givers… no, I take that back.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics Communication Language

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Family Language Last words

My parents were very protective; I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited and… placing bets.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family People Self

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Children Friends Old People

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked; that is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Appearance Self

I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms Children People Things

My mother was like a sister to me… only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Mothers Sex

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Fools Intelligence Places

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Individuals

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat; both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage to do it.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Miscellaneous

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

(1956 – ) American comedian
People Self Sex

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations