Author: Erma Bombeck

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Sex

Shopping is probably the most underrated contact sport in the world.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Shopping

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Relationships

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Things

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Doctors Health

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Alcohol Characteristics Doctors Health

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ … it is a mere formality; it doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no, you’re going to get it anyway.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Beliefs Opinion

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour; I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Elections/Voting Government

They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

We were a generation born too late to eat goldfish and too early to flash.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Age Life

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Family Things

Anything dropped in the bathroom will fall in the toilet.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Accidents Problems

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be; no one cares, why should you?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club; you’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Health

I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Elections/Voting Government Intelligence President Stupidity

The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Book Titles

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

Airline steaks are done when they say they are done.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Food/Drink

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Places Situations