Author: Erma Bombeck Page 2

Shopping is probably the most underrated contact sport in the world.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Shopping

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory… an empty gin bottle.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Children Clothing Family

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Sex

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage; Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Situations

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Things

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Appearance Travel

We were a generation born too late to eat goldfish and too early to flash.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Age Life

My second favorite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in; filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Health

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Relationships

It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage People Self

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me… it's gossip.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Communication Speech

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he’s doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Situations

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Murphy’s Laws Shopping

The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Book Titles

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour; I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Elections/Voting Government