Author: Erma Bombeck Page 2

They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

Anything dropped in the bathroom will fall in the toilet.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Accidents Problems

The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Book Titles

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat… all you can do is move it around, like furniture.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Body Fat

When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Appearance Travel

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Relationships

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in; filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Health

I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Elections/Voting Government Intelligence President Stupidity

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Doctors Health

We were a generation born too late to eat goldfish and too early to flash.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Age Life

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Alcohol Characteristics Doctors Health

My second favorite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory… an empty gin bottle.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Children Clothing Family

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

At my age, patience is not a virtue… it’s a luxury.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Age Characteristics Old

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club; you’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Health

It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage People Self

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Sports