Author: Erma Bombeck Page 2

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Sports

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club; you’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Health

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

Marriage is like a train that makes intermittent stops at children, new house, new job, new car and cruises, just to keep the trip interesting.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage

Guilt: The gift that keeps on giving.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Characteristics Definitions

It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage People Self

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ … it is a mere formality; it doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no, you’re going to get it anyway.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Beliefs Opinion

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Things

I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Food/Drink Relationships

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Alcohol Characteristics Doctors Health

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat… all you can do is move it around, like furniture.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Body Fat

Airline steaks are done when they say they are done.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Food/Drink

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
People Situations Things

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour; I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Elections/Voting Government

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in; filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Health

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory… an empty gin bottle.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Children Clothing Family

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Sports

At my age, patience is not a virtue… it’s a luxury.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Age Characteristics Old