Author: Evan Esar

Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Facts Science/Weather

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Future Men Past People Time Women

The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Girls People Places Women

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
People Science/Weather

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Emotions Love Marriage

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Husbands Marriage

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Autos Fools Things

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Miscellaneous

A biography is a book that is usually written about a dead person because it is so unlike him when he was alive.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Books Characteristics Communication Reading/Writing

Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions – because they know all the answers.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Age Intelligence

A signature always reveals a man's character – and sometimes even his name.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Characteristics People

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Communication Speech

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Life Wealth Work

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Science/Weather

You can’t do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Life

Abdomen: A bowl-shaped cavity containing the organs of indigestion.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Appearance Body Eating

Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Books Communication Time

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Money Occupations Time Work

Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Characteristics People

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor’s new one.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Autos Things

Men still die with their boots on, but usually one boot is on the accelerator.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Accidents Autos Clothing Death Problems