Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Evan Esar
Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Emotions
Love
Marriage
Dimples
It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Autos
Fools
Things
Highways
Nuts
Abdomen: A bowl-shaped cavity containing the organs of indigestion.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Appearance
Body
Eating
Abdomen
Indigestion
Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Characteristics
People
Admiration
The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Miscellaneous
Brother's keeper
A signature always reveals a man's character – and sometimes even his name.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Characteristics
People
Name
Signature
Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Science/Weather
Conclusions
Experts
Statistics
America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Money
Occupations
Time
Work
Athlete
Earnings
Professor
Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Books
Communication
Time
Borrowing
Forgetting
The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Girls
People
Places
Women
Port
Sailor
Wholesaler
Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Facts
Science/Weather
Statistics
Men still die with their boots on, but usually one boot is on the accelerator.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Accidents
Autos
Clothing
Death
Problems
Accelerator
Boots
Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
People
Science/Weather
Zoo
Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor’s new one.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Autos
Things
Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions – because they know all the answers.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Age
Intelligence
Adolescence
Questions
A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Husbands
Marriage
Fire
Unattended
Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Housework
Women
Work
Notices
The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Future
Men
Past
People
Time
Women
Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Communication
Speech
Public Speaking
Vocabulary
You can’t do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Life
A biography is a book that is usually written about a dead person because it is so unlike him when he was alive.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Books
Characteristics
Communication
Reading/Writing
Biography
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