Author: Fran Lebowitz

Bread that is sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Food/Drink

Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Animals Food/Drink

I am not… totally unreceptive to color providing it makes its appearance quietly, deferentially, and without undue fanfare.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Appearance

New York City is filled with the same kind of people I left New Jersey to get away from.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
New York City People Places

Life is something you do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Life Situations Sleep

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Places

My theory [is] that modern science was largely conceived of as an answer to the servant problem and that it is generally practiced by those who lack a flair for conversation.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Science/Weather Speech

The word “lady” most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
People

Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Children Games

I’m not the type who wants to go back to the land… I’m the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
People Self Situations

My favorite animal is steak.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Animals Food/Drink

If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract – teach him to deduct.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Education Future Learning

There is no such thing as inner peace; there is only nervousness and death.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Death

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Food/Drink

Sleep is death without the responsibility.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Sleep

I believe in talking behind peoples’ backs; that way, they hear it more than once.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Communication Speech

The opposite of talking isn't listening; the opposite of talking is waiting.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Communication Conversation Speech

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Definitions Health Places

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Alcohol Communication People

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Games

If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Art Communication Entertainment Reading/Writing