Author: Fred Allen

California is a nice place to live – if you happen to be an orange.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
America Places

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and – I can't remember what the third thing is.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Intelligence Memory

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Education Law Money School

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Death Things

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Beliefs Music Religion

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
History Relationships Time

The dime hasn’t been minted that could march past Jack Benny.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Frugal Money

(Jack) Benny’s so cheap he wouldn’t give you the parsley off his fish.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Frugal Money

An income tax form is like a laundry list – either way you lose your shirt.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Clothing Government Taxes

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Autos Places

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Hollywood Places

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics Communication Money

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Success

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
People

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink Health

A gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. 

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
People

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
England Food/Drink Places

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Doctors Health

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Insults