Author: Fred Allen

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
People

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Death Things

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Education Law Money School

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Insults Intelligence

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Hollywood Places

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Hollywood Places Success

He should take the horse hairs out of his bow and return them to the tail of the horse.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Music

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are still in the cat.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Cats Entertainment Music

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Doctors Health

I’d rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Age Girls People Women

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics Communication Money

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Autos Places

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
History Relationships Time

The dime hasn’t been minted that could march past Jack Benny.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Frugal Money

An income tax form is like a laundry list – either way you lose your shirt.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Clothing Government Taxes

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Communication Death

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Clothing Men People Women

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Communication

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink Situations Sleep