Author: Fred Allen Page 2

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover’s Lane holding his own hand.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Individuals Work

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Appearance Clothing

An actor’s success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Acting Entertainment Success

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics Communication Money

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Beliefs Music Religion

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink Situations Sleep

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Doctors Health

A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Clothing Men People Women

I have just returned from Boston; it is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Insults Places

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
People

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Activities Definitions

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
People Success

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are still in the cat.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Cats Entertainment Music

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Communication

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Education Law Money School

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Death Things

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics Entertainment Hollywood Places

(Jack) Benny’s so cheap he wouldn’t give you the parsley off his fish.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Frugal Money