Author: Fred Allen Page 2

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Death Things

A gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. 

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
People

I’d rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Age Girls People Women

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Insults Intelligence

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment People Television

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and – I can't remember what the third thing is.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Intelligence Memory

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Beliefs Sex

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics Entertainment Hollywood Places

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Communication

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover’s Lane holding his own hand.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Communication Death

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
People

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Education Law Money School

I have just returned from Boston; it is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Insults Places

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Appearance Clothing Insults

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Activities Definitions

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
England Food/Drink Places

He should take the horse hairs out of his bow and return them to the tail of the horse.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Music

(Jack) Benny’s so cheap he wouldn’t give you the parsley off his fish.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Frugal Money

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink Situations Sleep