Author: Garry Shandling

I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think… I don’t know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself… you know these kind of girls: ‘I'm hot. I’m on fire… Me, me, me.’

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Dating Relationships

I told my girl friend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn’t be able to please her, so she said, “Get off me.”

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Emotions

Nice guys finish first; if you don’t know that, then you don’t know where the finish line is.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
People

Never try to pick up a woman who is wearing a Super Bowl ring.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Dating People Relationships Situations

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem… but they don’t really know me.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Emotions

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Self Sex

When I’m not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I’m with a woman.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Relationships

Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, “Are you just going to sit around like that all day?”

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Appearance Clothing Men People

Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Family Mothers Relationships

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you?… and she said, "I don't think that was good for anybody.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Sex

I sold my house this week… I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous Things

I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Characteristics Communication Sex

I’m a sensitive guy; I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Children Emotions

I ate dinner last night at a friend of mine’s house and he has – what do you call those things? … a baby.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous

Dr. Phil is hiding something; otherwise, why wouldn’t he use his last name?

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous

It’s weird to hear a girl laugh when I’m not making love to her.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Laughter People Self Sex

Oysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, but they don't work for me…maybe I put them on too soon.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Food/Drink Sex

I don’t like this reality television, I have to be honest… I think real people should not be on television; it’s for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Entertainment Television

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Appearance Body Characteristics People

I practice safe sex… I use an airbag.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Sex