Author: George Burns

Jolson's ego was so big he could have given the Lord himself an inferiority complex.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Characteristics God

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday; I tell them, a paternity suit.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Law Old

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Communication Religion Speech

I think that after the third marriage Georgie tried to claim his divorce attorney as a dependent.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Divorce Government Lawyers Marriage Taxes

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous; when I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Work

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities Age Old Sex

Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities Age Old Sex

He was asked to throw out the first ball at a World Series game; but … he looked at the ball and, instead of throwing it, he put it in his pocket and sat down.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities Frugal Money Sports

Jack Benny's ability on the violin was legendary; everybody knew he had none.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment Music Success Things

It’s good to be here… but at 98, it’s good to be anywhere.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Life Old

Milton's act was every bit as good as Jessel's or Cantor's; in fact, it wasn't only just as good, it was the same.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment

On a golf course, Jack had the hands of a violinist; that was fair, because as a violinist, Jack had the hands of a golfer.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment Golf Music Sports

For thirty years my act consisted of one joke; and then she died.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment

I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities Age Old

That’s where Jack and I were different, he would let his hair down, I just took mine off.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Appearance Hair People Situations

He once gave Gracie a coupon for a year’s subscription to a magazine as a gift – and all she had to do was fill it out and send it in with a check.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Frugal Money

I think Jessel’s philosophy about golf was something like: If all you’re going to do is chase the ball, why hit it in the first place?

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Golf Sports

Everything that goes up must come down; but there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
People Self Sex

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Autos Sex Situations Things

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? … It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Relationships Situations

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
America Government Intelligence Occupations Places Work