Author George Burns | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Burns Page 2

He was so cheap, for example, that when Mary asked for diamonds for her birthday he bought her two of them… the eight and the queen.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? … It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Relationships Situations Affection

Georgie got engaged the way other people got haircuts; it was just something he did every few months whether he needed to or not.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Marriage Engagements George Jessel Haircuts

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Eating Food/Drink Sex Lunch

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Age Old People Respect my elders

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Emotions Family Happiness Relationships Close-knit family In another city

When he was held up by a robber who demanded, "Your money or your life?" Jack's silence while he thought it over was the funniest thing never said on radio.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment Jack Benny Radio Silence

I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Age Dating Old People Relationships Women

Jack Benny's ability on the violin was legendary; everybody knew he had none.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment Music Success Things Ability Celebrity Violin

Milton was probably the best at dealing with hecklers, but then he probably had the most practice.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment Milton Berle

Calling Durante's nose large is like calling Jack Benny "thrifty."

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Appearance Language Jack Benny Jimmy Durante Nose Thrift

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Communication Insults People Criticism Critics Uselessness

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own Scotch, you bring your own rocks.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Frugal Individuals Money People Jack Benny Party Rocks Scotch

He once gave Gracie a coupon for a year’s subscription to a magazine as a gift – and all she had to do was fill it out and send it in with a check.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Frugal Money Jack Benny

I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Future Life Time Rest of my life

On a golf course, Jack had the hands of a violinist; that was fair, because as a violinist, Jack had the hands of a golfer.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment Golf Music Sports Jack Benny Violin

Let me tell you about Jack's singing voice… it made his violin playing sound good.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment Music Jack Benny Singing Violin Voice

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

America Government Intelligence Occupations Places Work

Of all the great qualities he had, and there were so many, there was one thing that set him apart from everybody else; he really thought I was funny.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Characteristics Self Humility Jack Benny

The Jack Benny I knew threw his money around… not far – but he threw it.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Frugal Money Jack Benny

He was asked to throw out the first ball at a World Series game; but … he looked at the ball and, instead of throwing it, he put it in his pocket and sat down.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Activities Frugal Money Sports Jack Benny

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Author: George Burns Page 2

He was so cheap, for example, that when Mary asked for diamonds for her birthday he bought her two of them… the eight and the queen.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? … It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

Georgie got engaged the way other people got haircuts; it was just something he did every few months whether he needed to or not.

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.

When he was held up by a robber who demanded, "Your money or your life?" Jack's silence while he thought it over was the funniest thing never said on radio.

I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Jack Benny's ability on the violin was legendary; everybody knew he had none.

Milton was probably the best at dealing with hecklers, but then he probably had the most practice.

Calling Durante's nose large is like calling Jack Benny "thrifty."

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own Scotch, you bring your own rocks.

He once gave Gracie a coupon for a year’s subscription to a magazine as a gift – and all she had to do was fill it out and send it in with a check.

I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.

On a golf course, Jack had the hands of a violinist; that was fair, because as a violinist, Jack had the hands of a golfer.

Let me tell you about Jack's singing voice… it made his violin playing sound good.

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

Of all the great qualities he had, and there were so many, there was one thing that set him apart from everybody else; he really thought I was funny.

The Jack Benny I knew threw his money around… not far – but he threw it.

He was asked to throw out the first ball at a World Series game; but … he looked at the ball and, instead of throwing it, he put it in his pocket and sat down.