Author: George Carlin

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Situations

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Death

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Entertainment People Places

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication Language

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Conflict Friends Killing People Young

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Death

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Arms Conflict

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Food/Drink

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Places

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Individuals Killing People

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Health

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication Language

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Money Work

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Baseball Sports

I like Florida… everything is in the 80's… the temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Places

If the Cincinnati Reds were the first major league baseball team… who did they play?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Baseball Sports

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Dance Entertainment Intelligence Music

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Death People

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Intelligence Reading/Writing