Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Life Science/Weather Universe

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Drugs God People Acid

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Eating Food/Drink People Cannibals Clowns

I like Florida… everything is in the 80's… the temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Places Florida

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Girls Places Bad Jolly Live Santa Claus

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Book Titles

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Reading/Writing Things ATMs Braille

Never argue with an idiot; they will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Fools Intelligence Idiots

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Language People Things Deaf Soap Swear

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Places Forest rangers Vacation

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence Life People IQ Life expectancy

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Eulogies Listening

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Health Dyslexia

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Garnish wages Parsley

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Communication Language Truth

I think I am, therefore I am… I think.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence Life Existence Philosophy

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Time Expiration date Sour cream

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Money Work Salaries

Who’s cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Ideas Intelligence Language Lisp

Some people think of the glass as half full; some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Glass half full Optimism Pessimism

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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