Author: George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication Speech

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Food/Drink

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Autos Life

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Autos Things

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Things

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
People

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Government

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Intelligence Reading/Writing

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Language

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Intelligence Life People

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them beaten

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Conflict Fights

Some people think of the glass as half full; some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Intelligence People Stupidity

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Beliefs Religion

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Government Lawyers Politicians Situations

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Places

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication People Speech

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Food/Drink Time

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Individuals Killing People