Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 2

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Baseball Sports

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Rain Sheep Shrink

Is there another word for synonym?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Synonym Words

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Things Sweat Worry

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Drugs God People Acid

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict Confusion Hell

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Bathrooms Dinner parties

Who’s cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Ideas Intelligence Language Lisp

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Money People Evian Water

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Life Science/Weather Universe

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence Reading/Writing Literacy

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Autos Driving Fools Intelligence Things Maniac

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Dance Entertainment Intelligence Music Sanity

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs God Religion Atheism Organization Prophet

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Law Lawyers Smiling

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Girls Places Bad Jolly Live Santa Claus

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Time Expiration date Sour cream

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Authority Influence

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Happiness Language People Sex Adultery Infants Infidelity

The status quo sucks.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Situations Status quo

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 2

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Is there another word for synonym?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Who’s cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

The status quo sucks.