Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 2

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Lawyers Politicians Situations

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Places Forest rangers Vacation

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Waiters

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Men People Situations Women

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Science/Weather Things Electricity Lighting

How is it possible to have a civil war?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict War Wordplay Civility

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Entertainment People Places Audiences Stage

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Best thing Sliced bread

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs God Religion Atheism Organization Prophet

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Failure Success

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People Chinese Names

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict Confusion Hell

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Conflict Friends Killing People

If the Cincinnati Reds were the first major league baseball team… who did they play?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Baseball Sports Cincinnati Reds

If you can’t beat them, arrange  to have them beaten

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict Fights

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Language Fly Walk Wings

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Life Confusion

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Money Work Salaries

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Health Situations Addictions

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence Reading/Writing Literacy

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 2

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

If the Cincinnati Reds were the first major league baseball team… who did they play?

If you can’t beat them, arrange  to have them beaten

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.