Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 2

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Religion Christianity

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Rain Sheep Shrink

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication People Speech Egotists

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Law Lawyers Smiling

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Communication Language Truth

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Girls Places Bad Jolly Live Santa Claus

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Failure Success

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Language Money Broker

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Fights Sex Peace Virginity

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Dance Entertainment Intelligence Music Sanity

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Autos Things Deer Road sign

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Conflict Friends Killing People

The status quo sucks.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Situations Status quo

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America you get a front row seat.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

America Places

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Honesty Dishonesty

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict Friends Killing People Young Murder

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Health Situations Addictions

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Eating Food/Drink People Cannibals Clowns

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Food/Drink Animal crackers Vegetarian

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Author: George Carlin Page 2

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

The status quo sucks.

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America you get a front row seat.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?