Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 2

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People Chinese Names

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Individuals Killing People Hostage situation Multiple personalities

If you can’t beat them, arrange  to have them beaten

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict Fights

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Science/Weather Things Electricity Lighting

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People Deserted areas

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Food/Drink Animal crackers Vegetarian

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence Reading/Writing Literacy

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Life Science/Weather Universe

Some people think of the glass as half full; some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Glass half full Optimism Pessimism

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Health Situations Addictions

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Future Life Time

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Speech Comics

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Health Memory People Alzheimer's disease

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People Disoriented Oriental Spin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Conflict Friends Killing People

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Eating Food/Drink Antipasto Hunger Pasta

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict Confusion Hell

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Garnish wages Parsley

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Alcohol Food/Drink Things Floor Tequila

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Conflict Killing People Hostages Multiple personalities

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 2

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If you can’t beat them, arrange  to have them beaten

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Some people think of the glass as half full; some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?