Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 3

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Alcohol Food/Drink Things Floor Tequila

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Death People Drown Synchronized swimmer

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Autos Driving Fools Intelligence Things Maniac

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication People Speech Egotists

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Communication Language Disgruntled Pig

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Rain Sheep Shrink

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Life Confusion

Never argue with an idiot; they will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Fools Intelligence Idiots

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Places Forest rangers Vacation

Whenever you see the word “cuisine” used instead of the word “food,” be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Eating Food/Drink

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Drugs God People Acid

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Situations Bathrooms

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Life Science/Weather Universe

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Characteristics Old Good

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Food/Drink Language Cheese Picture

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Situations Nights Wolves

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Saliva

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence People Stupidity

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Girls Places Bad Jolly Live Santa Claus

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence Reading/Writing Literacy

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Author: George Carlin Page 3

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

Never argue with an idiot; they will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

Whenever you see the word “cuisine” used instead of the word “food,” be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.