Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 3

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Alcohol Food/Drink Things Floor Tequila

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Things #2 Pencil

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Failure Success

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Situations First annual Principle

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Evil

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Rain Sheep Shrink

What year did Jesus think it was?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

History Time Jesus

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Health Situations Addictions

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Science/Weather Endangered species

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Honesty Dishonesty

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Speech Comics

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Autos Driving Fools Intelligence Things Maniac

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America you get a front row seat.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

America Places

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Eating Food/Drink Antipasto Hunger Pasta

"No comment" is a comment.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication No comment

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Food/Drink Language Cheese Picture

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Situations Bathrooms

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Autos Life Brakes

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Life Science/Weather Universe

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humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 3

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

What year did Jesus think it was?

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America you get a front row seat.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

"No comment" is a comment.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.