Author: George Carlin Page 4

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Men People Situations Women

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Age Characteristics Old

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication Speech

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Age Old

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Communication Language Truth

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Food/Drink

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Food/Drink

What year did Jesus think it was?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
History Time

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication Language Reading/Writing Things

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Girls Places

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America you get a front row seat.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
America Places

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Appearance

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Situations

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Death

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Eating Food/Drink People

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Book Titles

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language

Whenever you see the word “cuisine” used instead of the word “food,” be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Eating Food/Drink

If the Cincinnati Reds were the first major league baseball team… who did they play?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Baseball Sports

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Health Situations