Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 4

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence Reading/Writing Literacy

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Dance Entertainment Intelligence Music Sanity

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Law People Speech Mime Police

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Time Expiration date Sour cream

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Food/Drink Language Cheese Picture

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Rain Sheep Shrink

"No comment" is a comment.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication No comment

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Situations First annual Principle

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Appearance Homeless Naked Turtles

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Waiters

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People Deserted areas

I think I am, therefore I am… I think.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence Life Existence Philosophy

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Science/Weather Endangered species

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Autos Life Brakes

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Garnish wages Parsley

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Failure Success

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Death People Drown Synchronized swimmer

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Health Dyslexia

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Lawyers Politicians Situations

Never argue with an idiot; they will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Fools Intelligence Idiots

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 4

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

"No comment" is a comment.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

I think I am, therefore I am… I think.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Never argue with an idiot; they will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.