Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 4

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Language Fly Walk Wings

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Girls Places Bad Jolly Live Santa Claus

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Money People Evian Water

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Book Titles

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Health Situations Addictions

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Problems

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Old Bible Exams

Is there another word for synonym?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Synonym Words

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Food/Drink Animal crackers Vegetarian

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Law People Speech Mime Police

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Conflict Killing People Hostages Multiple personalities

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Health Memory People Alzheimer's disease

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Beliefs Games Frisbees

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Garnish wages Parsley

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Situations First annual Principle

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Eating Food/Drink Antipasto Hunger Pasta

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Saliva

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Things Sweat Worry

If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Time Work Selling Smiling

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 4

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.

Is there another word for synonym?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.