Author: George Carlin Page 5

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Situations

I like Florida… everything is in the 80's… the temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Places

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Fights Sex

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Communication Language

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication Language

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Death

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language Money

If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Time Work

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Health Situations

I think I am, therefore I am… I think.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Intelligence Life

Some people think of the glass as half full; some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Failure Success

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Baseball Sports

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Food/Drink

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Money People

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication Language

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Things

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Problems

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Arms People Things