Author: George Carlin Page 5

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Government

I like Florida… everything is in the 80's… the temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Places

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Places

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
People

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication Language

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Age Characteristics Old

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Arms Conflict

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them beaten

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Conflict Fights

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Autos Things

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Autos Driving Fools Intelligence Things

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
People

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Death

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Beliefs Religion

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
People

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Government Law Lawyers

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Conflict Friends Killing People Young

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Fights Sex

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Beliefs God Religion