Author: Gilbert Gottfried

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Dating People Relationships Self Sex

I was the class podiatrist… I never made it to class clown.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

Generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Communication

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Intelligence

I’ve always felt sorry for Jesus ‘cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

At the Last Supper, how come no one sat at the other side of the table?

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Art Entertainment

R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

Tom Bergeron: This classic 1958 science fiction film is about a huge mass from outer space that stalks the earth and devours everything in its path. What’s the name of this film?

Gilbert Gottfried: The Marlon Brando Story.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

I think of Trump as Hitler without the warmth.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Eating Food/Drink