Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Gilbert Gottfried
I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
Gilbert Gottfried
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Dating
People
Relationships
Self
Sex
Platonic relationships
Generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
Gilbert Gottfried
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Communication
Influence
Plagiarism
R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher.
Gilbert Gottfried
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults
Carrie Fisher
I think of Trump as Hitler without the warmth.
Gilbert Gottfried
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults
Donald Trump
I’ve always felt sorry for Jesus ‘cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.
Gilbert Gottfried
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Miscellaneous
Jesus
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"
Gilbert Gottfried
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Intelligence
Charles Manson
Insanity
At the Last Supper, how come no one sat at the other side of the table?
Gilbert Gottfried
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Art
Entertainment
Last Supper
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.
Gilbert Gottfried
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Eating
Food/Drink
I was the class podiatrist… I never made it to class clown.
Gilbert Gottfried
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
People
Self
I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.
Gilbert Gottfried
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults
Alan Thicke
If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.
Gilbert Gottfried
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs
Religion
Bible
Jesus
Old Testament
Tom Bergeron: This classic 1958 science fiction film is about a huge mass from outer space that stalks the earth and devours everything in its path. What’s the name of this film? Gilbert Gottfried: The Marlon Brando Story.
Gilbert Gottfried
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares