Author: Greg Giraldo

I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Housework Marriage Sex

If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Emotions

Americans are not gonna conserve; we’re not gonna shift to smaller cars… we can’t… we have big, fat kids.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Life

The Virgin Mary… we have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Beliefs Religion

Can’t have a favorite, [child] I don’t… I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family

The NRA is not pro-gun, they’re anti-varmint.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Arms Conflict

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Beliefs Religion

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Body Places

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it; I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Health Things

… an old man who dresses like a Hooter’s waitress.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Clothing Hair Insults

Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA; you know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Places Situations

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Body Fat

Edible underwear?… even during sex, we can't stop eating.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Eating Fat Food/Drink Sex

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
America Places Work

There hasn’t been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Beliefs Religion

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Communication Conflict War