Author: Groucho Marx

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Intelligence Situations Understanding

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you… he really is an idiot.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Beliefs Characteristics

I have an agreement with the houseflies; the flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Relationships Women

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Situations

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses, on second thought, just let me cover your face.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Insults

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report… run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

I drink to make other people interesting.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Alcohol Food/Drink

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately; ring the nearest golf course.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Doctors Golf Health Sports

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Clothing Money People Women

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints… they’re upstairs in my socks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Alcohol Food/Drink

P.S. Did you ever notice that ‘Peter O'Toole’ is a double-phallic name?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Emotions Failure Friends

We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Language

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Girls People Women