Author: Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
America Entertainment Government Military Music Places

I wanted to get a writ of habeas corpus, but I should have gotten a-rid of you instead.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Die, my dear? Why, that's the last thing I'll do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Last words

Die, my dear?… why that's the last thing I'll do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Last words

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Body Women

Say, when do they begin?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Sports

No, I’m breaking it in for a friend.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Self

I’m gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there’ll be no cover charge.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Self Wordplay

I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Happiness Money

I eat like a vulture… unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Eating Food/Drink

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Communication Reading/Writing

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Divorce Marriage

I hope they bury me near a straight man.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Emotions

I was married by a judge… I should have asked for a jury.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. a best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Friends People

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Communication Intelligence New York City Reading/Writing

Man does not control his own fate; the women in his life do that for him.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Men People Women

Money frees you from doing things you dislike; since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Money