Author: Groucho Marx

You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, which doesn’t say much for you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance TV/Movie Quotes

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Things Time

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me. [He suddenly grabs her and pulls her down onto a couch]

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Peerless Pauline: I’ve waited so long to find someone like you.

J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, someone like me, I’m not good enough for you, eh?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

There were three things that Chico was always on – a phone, a horse, or a broad.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Reviews/Criticism

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Communication Intelligence New York City Reading/Writing

We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Wives

I’ve got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Girls People Women

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Divorce Marriage Money

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Men Women

Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death TV/Movie Quotes

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Intelligence Situations Understanding

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Self Wordplay