Author: Groucho Marx Page 2

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults Intelligence

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Men's tonsils, please.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me. [He suddenly grabs her and pulls her down onto a couch]

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Someone who looks like Marilyn Monroe and talks like George S. Kaufman.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Women

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Things Time

You’re just wasting your breath, and that’s no great loss either.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
America Intelligence Language Military Places

I hope they bury me near a straight man.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Emotions

Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September,' because it actually tells you something.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions People

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dance Marriage Wives

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men; the other 999 follow women.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Men People Women

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter; some day I intend reading it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Reviews/Criticism

Sir, if my wife looked like that, I wouldn't need any help thinking of insults!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Beliefs

There were three things that Chico was always on – a phone, a horse, or a broad.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Divorce Marriage

Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes