Author: Groucho Marx Page 3

Home is where you hang your head.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions People

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Laughter People Self

You can leave in a taxi… If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff… if that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

A child of five would understand this; send someone to fetch a child of five.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Intelligence Understanding

Die, my dear?… why that's the last thing I'll do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Last words

If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Sex

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

With a little study you’ll go a long ways… and I wish you’d start now.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Men Old People Sex Women

Does it have a happy ending?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Entertainment

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. a best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Friends People

I hope they bury me near a straight man.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Emotions

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing… if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Honesty Life Truth

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage

I eat like a vulture… unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Eating Food/Drink

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Men Women

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Relationships TV/Movie Quotes