Author: Groucho Marx Page 3

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

I was married by a judge… I should have asked for a jury.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage

Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Alcohol Food/Drink

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September,' because it actually tells you something.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication

I drink to make other people interesting.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Alcohol Food/Drink

There's a man outside with a big black mustache; tell him I've got one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Relationships Wives

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? … How much?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Money Speech

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning; old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Definitions Old

No man goes before his time… unless the boss leaves early.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Individuals People Time Work

I could dance with you until the cows come home… on second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Relationships

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here; you must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Language

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Beliefs