Author: Groucho Marx Page 4

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Reviews/Criticism

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Things Time

Go, and never darken my towels again.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Relationships

Home is where you hang your head.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics

Sir, if my wife looked like that, I wouldn't need any help thinking of insults!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Places TV/Movie Quotes

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Husbands Men People Success Wives Women

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals

She’s upstairs filing her teeth.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Divorce Marriage

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Sex

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

I drink to make other people interesting.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Alcohol Food/Drink

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here; you must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Girls People Women

Ambassador Trentino: I didn’t come here to be insulted!

Rufus T. Firefly: That’s what you think!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes