Author: Groucho Marx Page 5

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
America Entertainment Government Military Music Places

This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals TV/Movie Quotes

Madame Swempski: I don’t like this innuendo.

Groucho: That’s what I always say: love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Home is where you hang your head.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Eating Food/Drink

You’ve got the brain of a four year old boy… and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Intelligence

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Sex

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Doctors Family Fathers Health

I was married by a judge… I should have asked for a jury.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage

You can leave in a taxi… If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff… if that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Money frees you from doing things you dislike; since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Money

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Insults

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Happiness Places

You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, which doesn’t say much for you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance TV/Movie Quotes

Die, my dear?… why that's the last thing I'll do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Last words

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Animals Books Communication Dogs Intelligence Reading/Writing Relationships Situations

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Conflict Killing Money

Sir, if my wife looked like that, I wouldn't need any help thinking of insults!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report… run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Money

Anyone can get old; all you have to do is live long enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Old