Author: Groucho Marx Page 5

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Government Marriage Politics

I think TV is very educational; every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Education Entertainment Reading/Writing Television

His tongue was an unguided missile.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Language

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Money Speech

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Divorce Marriage

I have an agreement with the houseflies; the flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Say, when do they begin?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Sports

Peerless Pauline: I’ve waited so long to find someone like you.

J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, someone like me, I’m not good enough for you, eh?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Divorce Marriage

I could dance with you until the cows come home… on second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Sex

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September,' because it actually tells you something.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter; some day I intend reading it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Reviews/Criticism

Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Conflict Killing Money

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Beliefs

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People