Author: Groucho Marx Page 6

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Money

His tongue was an unguided missile.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Language

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses, on second thought, just let me cover your face.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Insults

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Wives

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Body Women

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
America Government People Places Politicians

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Government Marriage Politics

I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Happiness Money

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Laughter People Self

I drink to make other people interesting.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Alcohol Food/Drink

I hope they bury me near a straight man.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Emotions

No, I’m breaking it in for a friend.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Self

Sir, if my wife looked like that, I wouldn't need any help thinking of insults!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

Why was I with her? … she reminds me of you… in fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Men Women

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Communication Reading/Writing Reviews/Criticism

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Activities Animals Food/Drink

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report… run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Doctors Family Fathers Health