Author: Groucho Marx Page 7

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations Time

I was married by a judge… I should have asked for a jury.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Wives

Someone who looks like Marilyn Monroe and talks like George S. Kaufman.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Women

I’ve got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Why was I with her? … she reminds me of you… in fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Old

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Eating Food/Drink

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at storks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September,' because it actually tells you something.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Communication Reading/Writing Reviews/Criticism

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions People

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Divorce Marriage

I’m gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there’ll be no cover charge.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Anyone can get old; all you have to do is live long enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Old

Why don't you trade in your head for a bowling ball?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes