Author: Groucho Marx Page 7

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints… they’re upstairs in my socks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

P.S. Did you ever notice that ‘Peter O'Toole’ is a double-phallic name?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning; old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Definitions Old

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Eating Food/Drink

Time wounds all heels.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Insults Time TV/Movie Quotes

Does it have a happy ending?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Entertainment

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication TV/Movie Quotes

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately; ring the nearest golf course.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Doctors Golf Health Sports

Peerless Pauline: I’ve waited so long to find someone like you.

J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, someone like me, I’m not good enough for you, eh?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

I eat like a vulture… unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Eating Food/Drink

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Emotions Failure Friends

If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Sex

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Body Sex

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Divorce Marriage

Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you… he really is an idiot.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Activities Animals Food/Drink

Someone who looks like Marilyn Monroe and talks like George S. Kaufman.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Women