Author: Groucho Marx Page 7

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Situations

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Eating Food/Drink

I’ll see you at the opera tonight. I’ll hold your seat till you get there. After you get there you’re on your own.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Language

Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

Women should be obscene and not heard.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Language Speech Women

He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Alcohol Food/Drink

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Communication Reading/Writing Reviews/Criticism

Now there's a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Individuals Insults Intelligence

I’ve got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Say, when do they begin?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Sports

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them… well, I have others.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Beliefs

Blood's not thicker than money.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Family Money Relationships

I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Happiness Money

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here; you must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Money

Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Old

Anyone can get old; all you have to do is live long enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Old

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Relationships TV/Movie Quotes