Author: Groucho Marx Page 8

There were three things that Chico was always on – a phone, a horse, or a broad.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

Men's tonsils, please.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

Sir, if my wife looked like that, I wouldn't need any help thinking of insults!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

You can leave in a taxi… If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff… if that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Insults

Home is where you hang your head.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Self

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Body Sex

Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death TV/Movie Quotes

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean… flee to my lodge in the hills.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them… well, I have others.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Beliefs

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Reviews/Criticism

You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, which doesn’t say much for you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance TV/Movie Quotes

Room service? … send up a larger room.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report… run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Wives

Die, my dear?… why that's the last thing I'll do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Last words

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately; ring the nearest golf course.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Doctors Golf Health Sports