Author: Henny Youngman

Bore: A guy with a cocktail glass in one hand and your lapel in the other

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
People

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive; last week she learned how to aim it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Autos Driving Things

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one; it didn't come in until half-past five.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Sports

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Insults Marriage

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses… drinks right out of the bottle.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Age Food/Drink Old

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Alcohol Communication Food/Drink Reading/Writing

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors Health Places

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

The food on the plane was fit for a king… “Here, King!”

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Food/Drink

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Family Mothers Ugly

I live so far out of town, the mailman mails me my letters.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Places

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Happiness Marriage

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Clothing Marriage

I played a great horse yesterday; it took seven horses to beat him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

Room service has an unlisted number.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Places

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Communication

Generally speaking, my wife is generally speaking.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Communication Marriage Speech Wives

You know what I did before I married? … anything I wanted to.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage

I take my wife everywhere… but she keeps finding her way back.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage Places Wives

My son is 21… he’ll be 22 if I let him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Age Children Family