Author: Jay Leno

The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing; it's called the stock market.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Arms Conflict Money

If you want to cure your dog’s bad breath, just pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Animals Dogs

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot… unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health People

[John] Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous; and then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Government Law

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Beliefs Characteristics God

Dick Cheney says he loves California… out here the rich and famous can shoot people and get away with it.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Arms Conflict People Places

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health Sex

I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq; after all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!


(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Conflict Places War

The Catholic Church is still very angry about The Da Vinci Code… they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Entertainment Film Money

Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
People

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Fools Intelligence

Republicans elect stupid leaders with brilliant staffs and Democrats produce brilliant presidents with stupid staffs.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Government Politicians President

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Beliefs Elections/Voting God Government

Don’t forget Mother’s Day; or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Divorce Family Marriage Mothers

According to a new geographic literacy study 4 out of 10 American students couldn't find Iraq on a map; however 10 out of 10 Mexicans could find the U.S. without a map.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Education Places

We might as well give them ours, we aren’t using it.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
America Places

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Autos Things

General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie; isn't that called a sponge?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Food/Drink

This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Money Wealth Women

Madonna said that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq; Donald Rumsfeld said, "No, I think we'd better wait and hear what Britney Spears has to say about it first.”

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Conflict War

Fifty percent of America’s population spends less than ten dollars a month on romance; you know what we call these people? … Men.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Men Money People