Author: Jay Leno

Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
People

We might as well give them ours, we aren’t using it.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
America Places

If you want to cure your dog’s bad breath, just pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Animals Dogs

Women are removing sperm from the bodies of their dead husbands; kind of ironic… when they’re alive, most men can’t give it away.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
People Sex Women

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Fools Intelligence

I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq; after all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!


(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Conflict Places War

How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Games Situations

Don’t forget Mother’s Day; or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Divorce Family Marriage Mothers

President Bush has just one question for the American voters: is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were 4 years ago?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
America Money

Madonna said that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq; Donald Rumsfeld said, "No, I think we'd better wait and hear what Britney Spears has to say about it first.”

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Conflict War

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Autos Things

The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing; it's called the stock market.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Arms Conflict Money

Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Arms Conflict Entertainment Film

All you need to be the Vice President is a blue suit and a pulse… and Dick Cheney has shown that you don’t even need the pulse.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Government

Fifty percent of America’s population spends less than ten dollars a month on romance; you know what we call these people? … Men.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Men Money People

[John] Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous; and then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Government Law

This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Money Wealth Women

As you know President Bush is on a tour of Europe; he says he's hoping to see the whole country.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Insults Places

I just hope what Janet did at halftime [at the Super Bowl] doesn't, in any way, tarnish the good name of the Jackson family.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Insults

The Catholic Church is still very angry about The Da Vinci Code… they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Entertainment Film Money

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Health Money