Author: Jay Leno Page 2

How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Games Situations

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Fools Intelligence

As you know President Bush is on a tour of Europe; he says he's hoping to see the whole country.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Insults Places

I just hope what Janet did at halftime [at the Super Bowl] doesn't, in any way, tarnish the good name of the Jackson family.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Insults

Don’t forget Mother’s Day; or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Divorce Family Marriage Mothers

This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Money Wealth Women

They say hot dogs can kill you; how do you know it’s not the bun?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Food/Drink

All you need to be the Vice President is a blue suit and a pulse… and Dick Cheney has shown that you don’t even need the pulse.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Government

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Beliefs Elections/Voting God Government

The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing; it's called the stock market.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Arms Conflict Money

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Alcohol Congress Government

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give it up. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football. And I have 20-20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Occupations Sports Work

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Beliefs Characteristics God

President Bush has just one question for the American voters: is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were 4 years ago?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
America Money

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot… unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health People

You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Mothers Success

Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
People

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health Sex

Say what you will, when Dan Quayle was in the National Guard, not one Viet Cong got past Muncie, Indiana.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Insults