Author: Jay Leno Page 2

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Fools Intelligence

Madonna said that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq; Donald Rumsfeld said, "No, I think we'd better wait and hear what Britney Spears has to say about it first.”

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Conflict War

[John] Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous; and then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Government Law

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Alcohol Congress Government

General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie; isn't that called a sponge?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Food/Drink

Republicans elect stupid leaders with brilliant staffs and Democrats produce brilliant presidents with stupid staffs.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Government Politicians President

Fifty percent of America’s population spends less than ten dollars a month on romance; you know what we call these people? … Men.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Men Money People

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Beliefs Characteristics God

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot… unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health People

Due to a court ruling, sex toys are now legal in Alabama; the whole state is buzzing.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Sex

As you know President Bush is on a tour of Europe; he says he's hoping to see the whole country.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Insults Places

If you want to cure your dog’s bad breath, just pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Animals Dogs

Dick Cheney says he loves California… out here the rich and famous can shoot people and get away with it.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Arms Conflict People Places

He's the first guy to drive a $300,000 car with license plates he made himself.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Situations

Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
People

This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Money Wealth Women

I just hope what Janet did at halftime [at the Super Bowl] doesn't, in any way, tarnish the good name of the Jackson family.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Insults

The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing; it's called the stock market.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Arms Conflict Money

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Health Money