Author: Jeff Stilson

I like being married for two reasons: 1) I got really tired of dating, and 2) I got really tired of exercising.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Dating Exercise Marriage Relationships

Now I keep reading that I'm over the hill sexually; I don't even remember having a sexual peak when I was 19; I just remember apologizing a lot.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Sex

Poor Jesus; first he's crucified, then he has to spend his Saturdays with Jerry Falwell.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

There are too many weird Olympic events now, like that one where the gymnasts prance around the mat swirling a piece of ribbon… it’s called ‘rhythmic gymnastics’ – unless you’re five, then it’s called ‘playing.’

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Sports

You know, just once I’d like to hear a player say, ‘Yeah, we were in the game – until Jesus made me fumble; he hates our team.’

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Sports

I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals People

I think the secret to a successful marriage is low expectations.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Marriage

It hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they're just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations