Author Jeff Ross | Just-One-Liners.com

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Author: Jeff Ross

You know you're getting fat when you go to unbutton the top of your pants – and you already did it.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author

Appearance Body Clothing Fat

I was dating this girl once for a few weeks, and the first time she saw my penis, she said, 'Is everything a joke with you?'

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author

Appearance Body Dating Relationships Penis

At this point we should just make it the 51st state: Welcome to Iraqachusetts: live free and die.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author

Conflict Government War Iraq

In honor of the late George Carlin, here are seven more words you can't say on TV: "And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget."

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author

Communication Entertainment Language Television Bob Saget

You look like Benjamin Button when he was six.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author

Insults To Gilbert Gottfried

I got wasted last night, and I hit an animal with my car… in the lobby of Caesar's Palace.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author

Animals Entertainment Places Caesar's Palace

Let's face it, show business is run by 2,000 Jews and Oprah, and she lives next door to Spielberg, which makes her Jewish by association.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author

Beliefs Entertainment People Religion Jews Oprah