Author: Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Animals Dogs

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? … are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Places

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Clothing TV/Movie Quotes

It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match and I’m letting Him win.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.”

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age Old

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing; just show me somebody naked.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication Reading/Writing Sex

I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication Lies Reading/Writing

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body

People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Women don’t respect salad eaters.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Men People TV/Movie Quotes Women

Newman: I’m a little offended, Jerry.

Jerry: You’re not a little anything, Newman.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body TV/Movie Quotes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age Family Old Parents Places

The helmet is one of the least effective inventions of mankind. It's designed to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly as to be unable to prevent itself from being cracked open on its own.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Intelligence

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication Failure Success Wordplay

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Marriage

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, “I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.”

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Emotions

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind; close it and you're right back at the beginning.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Books Communication Reading/Writing

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Death TV/Movie Quotes

George: I should get to sleep with Elaine. That’s the only way to punish you.

Jerry: That doesn’t punish me. That punishes Elaine.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes