Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Jerry Seinfeld Page 2
There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, “I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.”
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Emotions
Embarrassing
Ginsu Knife
Women don’t respect salad eaters.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Men
People
TV/Movie Quotes
Women
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Sports
Luge
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Activities
Travel
Roads
George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Condoms
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication
Failure
Success
Wordplay
I was the best man at the wedding; if I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Marriage
Best man
Weddings
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Christmas
Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Death
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Public Speaking
Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Death
Pillows
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.”
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age
Old
Birthday cake
Newman: I’m a little offended, Jerry.Jerry: You’re not a
little
anything, Newman.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance
Body
TV/Movie Quotes
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Clothing
Men
People
Women
Underwear
Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Dating
Sex
Situations
Job interviews
There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Emotions
Family
Happiness
Fun
You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance
Clothing
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance
Body
TV/Movie Quotes
Cleavage
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