Author: Jerry Seinfeld Page 2

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

It's strange… two guys in shorts competing for a belt; they should, at least, award them slacks or a shirt.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Boxing Sports

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous

Women don’t respect salad eaters.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Men People TV/Movie Quotes Women

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age Family Old Parents Places

It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match and I’m letting Him win.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body TV/Movie Quotes

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family

Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what else is on TV.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Entertainment Men People Television

Newman: I’m a little offended, Jerry.

Jerry: You’re not a little anything, Newman.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body TV/Movie Quotes

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Dating Sex Situations

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Clothing TV/Movie Quotes

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body

George: I should get to sleep with Elaine. That’s the only way to punish you.

Jerry: That doesn’t punish me. That punishes Elaine.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes