Author: Jerry Seinfeld Page 2

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Reading/Writing

I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication Lies Reading/Writing

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication Failure Success Wordplay

Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I was the best man at the wedding; if I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Marriage

Women don’t respect salad eaters.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Men People TV/Movie Quotes Women

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age Family Old Parents Places

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body TV/Movie Quotes

It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match and I’m letting Him win.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Sports

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Death TV/Movie Quotes

Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what else is on TV.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Entertainment Men People Television

Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Death

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing; just show me somebody naked.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication Reading/Writing Sex