Author: Jimmy Carr

I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger” … you might think that’s pretty cool; she doesn’t like it.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Friends People

I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ … and I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I love watching horror films while hiding behind the sofa… that way my neighbors don’t know I’m there.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs Religion

I worry about my nan; if she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Family Health

I did a sponsored walk once…. in the end, I’d managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Activities

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said ‘I think you’re fatist.’ I said ‘No. I think you’re fattest.’

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Fat

Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Animals Cats

I live near a remedial school and outside there is a sign that says, slow – children; that can't be good for their self esteem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Situations

Swimming is good for you… especially if you’re drowning.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Activities

I walked up to the airport information desk and asked, “How many airports are in the world?”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

No matter how much you give a homeless person for a cup of tea, you never get that cup of tea.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
People

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim; she said, ‘why not? ’ I said, ‘you look fat.'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Fat

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die; I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help."

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Entertainment Television

I, of course, don’t have an accent; this is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

If you’re going to have sex with a stranger …. always, always, always ask.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex