Author: Jimmy Carr Page 2

I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger” … you might think that’s pretty cool; she doesn’t like it.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Friends People

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Things

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese… as if she doesn’t have enough on her plate.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Body Fat

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Age Old Sex

I live near a remedial school and outside there is a sign that says, slow – children; that can't be good for their self esteem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Situations

If you’re going to have sex with a stranger …. always, always, always ask.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

Jesus loves you… He’s not ‘in love’ with you.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs Religion

Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Animals Cats

When I told my mom I wanted to grow up and be a comedian, she said you can’t do both.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Entertainment Occupations Work

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said ‘I think you’re fatist.’ I said ‘No. I think you’re fattest.’

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Fat

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato; now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink

Say what you want about the deaf…

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication People Speech

I, of course, don’t have an accent; this is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him… but I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim; she said, ‘why not? ’ I said, ‘you look fat.'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Fat

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

Ladies, if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it could be one of three things: it could be a urinary tract infection, it could be a bushfire, or it could be someone's talking about your vagina.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Health

People with Tourette’s… what makes them tick?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Health Wordplay

Swimming is good for you… especially if you’re drowning.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Activities

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day; she said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, All right, but we're not going to get much done.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language Situations