Author: Jimmy Carr Page 2

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

I went to see a hypnotist the other night and I really enjoyed myself, which made me suspicious…

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Miscellaneous

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day; she said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, All right, but we're not going to get much done.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language Situations

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless; I said ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
People

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim; she said, ‘why not? ’ I said, ‘you look fat.'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Fat

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Age Old Sex

The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard to, I would think, considering it’s your phone number.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

If you’re going to have sex with a stranger …. always, always, always ask.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

I’m not worried about the Third World War… that’s the Third World’s problem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Conflict War Wordplay

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Sex

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," – 'til the accident.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics Situations

Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years; men reach theirs after about four minutes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Men People Sex Time Women

David Cameron says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK… that’s wrong… immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Clothing

I was filling out a questionnaire that said, “Who would you most like to sleep with – anyone living or dead?” I said “Anyone living.”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Situations Wordplay

Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Animals Cats

Saying that you don’t believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you don’t have sex with dogs, except Labradors.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs God

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics

I, of course, don’t have an accent; this is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said ‘I think you’re fatist.’ I said ‘No. I think you’re fattest.’

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Fat

I worry about my nan; if she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Family Health