Author: Jimmy Carr Page 3

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Things

If you’re going to have sex with a stranger …. always, always, always ask.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man… but apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Things

I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ … and I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Sex

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Age Old Sex

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die; I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help."

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Entertainment Television

David Cameron says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK… that’s wrong… immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Clothing

Jimmy Carr My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger’… Until the accident.”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Proverbs

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

I love watching horror films while hiding behind the sofa… that way my neighbors don’t know I’m there.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato; now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

Environmentalists say that every day an area the size of Wales is destroyed… why is it never Wales.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Places

If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs Religion

People with Tourette’s… what makes them tick?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Health Wordplay

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato; now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink