Author: Jimmy Carr Page 3

I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ … and I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Wordplay

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese… as if she doesn’t have enough on her plate.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Body Fat

David Cameron says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK… that’s wrong… immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Clothing

I love watching horror films while hiding behind the sofa… that way my neighbors don’t know I’m there.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard to, I would think, considering it’s your phone number.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

Lingo, New Mexico

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Place Names

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realized you could watch it on TV for nothing.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Things

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

If you’re going to have sex with a stranger …. always, always, always ask.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim; she said, ‘why not? ’ I said, ‘you look fat.'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Fat

Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years; men reach theirs after about four minutes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Men People Sex Time Women

Saying that you don’t believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you don’t have sex with dogs, except Labradors.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs God

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics

Ladies, if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it could be one of three things: it could be a urinary tract infection, it could be a bushfire, or it could be someone's talking about your vagina.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Health

I had a survey done on my house; eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Miscellaneous

Jesus loves you… He’s not ‘in love’ with you.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs Religion

People with Tourette’s… what makes them tick?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Health Wordplay