Author: Jimmy Carr Page 3

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger” … you might think that’s pretty cool; she doesn’t like it.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Friends People

I walked up to the airport information desk and asked, “How many airports are in the world?”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Wordplay

Lingo, New Mexico

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Place Names

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realized you could watch it on TV for nothing.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Things

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die; I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help."

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Entertainment Television

I, of course, don’t have an accent; this is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ … and I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato; now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink

I did a sponsored walk once…. in the end, I’d managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Activities

Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Animals Cats

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

When I told my mom I wanted to grow up and be a comedian, she said you can’t do both.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Entertainment Occupations Work

I had a survey done on my house; eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Miscellaneous

If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs Religion