Author: Joan Rivers

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?

Joan Rivers: Yes. It’s daddy’s turn.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Animals Things

She’s so hairy – when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Hair Insults

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Situations

She’s so fat she wears stretch kaftans.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Clothing Fat

You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Clothing Old

Til I was nine, my mother was still trying to get an abortion.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
People Self

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Husbands Marriage

Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Old

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals; she thought we just fought in world war eleven.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Intelligence War

Last night I asked my husband, ‘What’s your favorite sexual position?’ and he said, ‘Next door.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Girls

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Fat Insults

You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Housework Things Time Work

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Shopping

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Marriage

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Old Situations Work

I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age People Self

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Husbands Marriage

I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Body Old

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Doctors Health