Author: Joan Rivers Page 3

I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age People Self

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Marriage

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Shopping

I’m so fat and I’m so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself – but the rope broke.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Fat

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King Balshazar saw the handwriting on the wall, and later that night something unfortunate happened. What?

Joan Rivers: Yeah, well, he found out that Shirley’s number had been disconnected.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Husbands Marriage

If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities God

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?

Joan Rivers: Yes. It’s daddy’s turn.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Fat Insults

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Clothing

Justin Bieber looks like a little lesbian… he’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Insults

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Characteristics Family Mothers

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Intelligence Men People Sex

I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs;’ he said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Old

I try to be as nice to her as I possibly can, because one day I may need part of her liver.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Miscellaneous

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Emotions Happiness Money

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Body Doctors Old

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Old Situations Work

I’m not saying she’s easy, but she’s been in so many motel rooms her nickname is ‘Gideon.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
People Sex Women

John Davidson: In folklore, what do you call the child of a fairy?

Joan Rivers: Adopted.  

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Relationships Situations