Author: Joan Rivers Page 3

Justin Bieber looks like a little lesbian… he’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Insults

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Emotions Happiness Money

If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities God

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Husbands Marriage

Elizabeth Taylor is wearing Orson Welles designer jeans.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Clothing Fat

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Characteristics Family Mothers

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, your husband, Edgar, is talking in his sleep. Should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?

Joan Rivers: And how… his secretary is a guy!

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Relationships Situations

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
America Places Television

The people voting for the Oscars are so old…. I haven’t seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Entertainment

Half of all marriage end in divorce – and then there are the unhappy ones.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Divorce Marriage

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sports

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Body

After lovemaking do you: A) go to sleep? B) light a cigarette? or C) return to the front of the bus?

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Body Doctors Old

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Doctors Health

She’s so fat she wears stretch kaftans.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Clothing Fat

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Self

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn’t had plastic surgery; come on… she’s had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Entertainment Insults Memory People