Author: Joan Rivers Page 4

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Self

I’m no cook; when I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Cooking Food/Drink Self

My vagina is like Newark [New Jersey]; men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Self Sex

Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance

At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Health Old Relationships

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “Pick up, I know you’re there.”

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Children Communication Family

She’s so hairy – when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Hair Insults

John Davidson: What state was originally divided into three sections?

Joan Rivers: Raymond Burr.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
People Sex

I saw what’s going on under my chin; I don’t want to be the one the president has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance People Self

I try to be as nice to her as I possibly can, because one day I may need part of her liver.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Miscellaneous

Last night I asked my husband, ‘What’s your favorite sexual position?’ and he said, ‘Next door.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Doctors Health

I now consider it a good day when I don’t step on my boobs.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Body Old

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations Sleep

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sports

If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities God

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Intelligence Men People Sex

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Men Mistakes People Sex Women

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Husbands Marriage Sex