Author: John Mulaney

Do you want a salad or fries? … That’s like asking, “Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?”

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Food/Drink

I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
People Self

In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Situations

College was like a four-year game show called “Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?”

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Education School

Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ‘30s… as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% change of getting away with it.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Conflict Crime

Look at a sweater made in Ireland… it’s like a turtleneck made out o Brillo pads. – On Irish people not wanting comfort

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
People Places

In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Miscellaneous

Nothing that I know can help you with your car… ever… unless you’re like: “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about the “Cosby Show”?’

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Autos Things

I was in Connecticut recently… doing white people stuff.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Activities People

I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to read Jane Austen, and then I didn’t.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Education Learning

I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be… you watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Situations Things

I don’t look older, I just look worse.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Age Appearance Body Old

“Ocean’s Eleven” would never work with women because two would keep breaking off to talk shit about the other nine.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
People Women

I bet whenever Trump has to make a decision, he asks himself, “What would a cartoon rich person do?”

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Money

Donald Trump is not just a rich man, he’s what a hobo imagines a rich man to be.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Money Wealth

It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of “Law & Order” in my apartment.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Entertainment Television

His [Ted Cruz’s] face looks like the entire movie Dick Tracy pushed together.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Insults

It's 100% easier not to do things than to do them.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Miscellaneous

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
People Self

Here's how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ‘30s – as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Conflict Crime