Author: Johnny Carson Page 2

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Democracy Government Individuals President

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

(1925 – 2005) television host
Intelligence

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness Health

It is so hot… Ed is actually putting ice in his Scotch.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Heat Science/Weather

Happiness is… finding two olives in your martini when you’re hungry.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Autos New York City Places

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Animals

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Beliefs Entertainment Insults Opinion People

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

(1925 – 2005) television host
Hollywood Places Success

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics Children People Things

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Alcohol Baseball Food/Drink Sports

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Death Life

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

(1925 – 2005) television host
New York City People Places