Author: Johnny Carson Page 2

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Death Life

It is so hot… I saw a robin dipping his worm in iced tea.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Heat Science/Weather

If the World Series goes seven games, it will be NBC's longest running show this fall.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Entertainment Television

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness Health

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Animals

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Life Marriage

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Body Fat Insults

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Insults

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics Children People Things

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

(1925 – 2005) television host
Hollywood Places Success

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

(1925 – 2005) television host
Intelligence

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time… most unsolved.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Conflict New York City Places

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication Death Hair Time