Author: Johnny Carson Page 2

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Death

Jimmy [Carter] needs Billy like Van Gogh needs stereo.

(1925 – 2005) television host
People

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Autos New York City Places

It is so hot… I saw a robin dipping his worm in iced tea.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Heat Science/Weather

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

(1925 – 2005) television host
Intelligence

I told my wife that there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs, but she said in her opinion it’s a small price to pay.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Body

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Body Fat Insults

She doesn’t need a steak knife… she cuts her food with her tongue.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication People Speech

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Animals

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Alcohol Baseball Food/Drink Sports

He doesn't die his hair, he bleaches his face.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Insults

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication Death Hair Time

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Life Marriage