Author: Johnny Carson Page 2

Jimmy [Carter] needs Billy like Van Gogh needs stereo.

(1925 – 2005) television host
People

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Beliefs Entertainment Insults Opinion People

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication Death Hair Time

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Hair

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness Health

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

(1925 – 2005) television host
Hollywood Places Success

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Life Marriage

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Alcohol Baseball Food/Drink Sports

She doesn’t need a steak knife… she cuts her food with her tongue.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication People Speech

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics Children People Things

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

He doesn't die his hair, he bleaches his face.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Insults

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Death Life