Author: Johnny Carson Page 2

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics Children People Things

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Autos New York City Places

It is so hot… I saw a robin dipping his worm in iced tea.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Heat Science/Weather

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Alcohol Baseball Food/Drink Sports

If the World Series goes seven games, it will be NBC's longest running show this fall.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Entertainment Television

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication Death Hair Time

I told my wife that there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs, but she said in her opinion it’s a small price to pay.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Body

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication

He doesn't die his hair, he bleaches his face.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Insults

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Body Fat Insults

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Democracy Government Individuals President

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Beliefs Entertainment Insults Opinion People