Author: Jon Stewart

If “con” is the opposite of "pro," then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Congress Government Language

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
People Sex

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Children Family Fathers

I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother, because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Death

I do have some sad news to report: Bjork could not be here; she was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Conflict

Religion – it’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs Religion

Yesterday, the President met with a group he calls the coalition-of-the-willing; or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Government

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Activities Sex Situations

Reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs Religion

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs New York City Places Religion

The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Death Government

Critics noted Schwarzenegger’s only previous government experience was serving as chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, where his only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was doing anyway.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Government

I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Canada Places

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite,' and I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right; what's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs Government Politics Religion

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Age Government Insults Old

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body… like a Peanuts character.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Appearance Body People Self

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
America People Situations

There is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Money Situations

I think that's our biggest problem right there.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Insults

Donald Rumsfeld… love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Emotions Insults

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way; I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Situations