Author: Jon Stewart

I do have some sad news to report: Bjork could not be here; she was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Oscar [of the Academy Awards] is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body… like a Peanuts character.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Yesterday, the President met with a group he calls the coalition-of-the-willing; or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president… and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you’re a corporation, you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you’re a moocher?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite,' and I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right; what's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted “Bingo!” counted as a yea or a nay.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Spain's new Prime Minister … announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq… meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother, because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Donald Rumsfeld… love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian