Author: Kristen Schaal

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Appearance Body

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Emotions Self

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Emotions

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Animals

I used to carry a rabbit’s foot for luck… then it was a monkey’s paw.. now it’s a camel’s toe.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Miscellaneous

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Miscellaneous

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Situations

Guys – if your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Appearance Clothing

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging; then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it; that’s why there’s graffiti and babies.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Activities Travel

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele… should be fun… and to stop taking my clothes off for money.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Life