Author: Lewis Black

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican?… a Democrat blows; a Republican sucks.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Government Politicians

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz came from.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Places

If the people of New Zealand want to be a part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Places World

Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised; and there's a reason – all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Food/Drink Past Time

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Characteristics Things

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Entertainment Music Television

You don't even know what they're selling until the very end: three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself – 'Buy a bike!'

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Entertainment Television

What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English?… it means liar.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Communication Language Science/Weather

We came up with Earth Day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Places

You don’t listen to a guy who looks like the kid in ‘Deliverance’ all grown up.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Beliefs Government Opinion Politicians

After I failed my second test, I grabbed my teacher by the front of the shirt and said “Are you ‘trying’ to keep this shit a secret?”

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Education School

He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
People

He's a man who was a failure until he was 40 years old, which looks really good on your resume – if you're a comic.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Failure Problems

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers… they are obviously alcoholics.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Food/Drink Places Politicians

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Activities Shopping

Astronomers have discovered two giant new solar systems, and with George W. Bush taking over the Presidency, it’s good to know we have options.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Government President

What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English? It means 'liar.'

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Occupations Science/Weather Work

A Republican stands up in Congress and says I’ve got a really bad idea!' and the Democrat stands up after him and says 'and I can make it shittier!”

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Government Politicians

If you stop eating donuts you will live three years longer; it’s just three more years that you want a donut.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Death Food/Drink Life

Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re good at it, you deserve a medal.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Sex Sports

We’re the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting shit done.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
America Places