Author: Lizz Winstead

When the Republicans read the Constitution on the House floor, that's the first time ever that Republicans read something that wasn't written by a lobbyist.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Communication Government Speech

No other country would use their technology to invent a fat substitute that when you put it on potato chips causes involuntary loose stools.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Places

I think – therefore I'm single.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Intelligence Marriage

I was thinkin' maybe we should just bomb ourselves so we could upgrade our school system.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Conflict Education School War

I was at a party a couple of weeks ago, talking to this guy about the Gaza Strip; he thought it was the adhesive side of a maxi pad.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Conversation People Stupidity Things

My friend Phil was brought up Orthodox Jewish… he actually thought the New Testament was the paperback version of the Old Testament.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Beliefs Religion

When mom found my diaphragm, I told her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Sex

I rely on my personality for birth control.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Characteristics Sex

I don't want to say he's in bed with this administration, but they did find Dick Cheney's Rolex lodged in his colon.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Government Places

The Ku Klux Klan actually adopted a highway, which is futile, because that just means, anywhere you go, there's just going to be white trash on the streets.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Situations