Author: Mark Twain Page 3

When angry count four; when very angry, swear.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication Emotions Speech

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Intelligence Religion

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Opinion

Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, & over these ideals they dispute & cannot unite — but they all worship money.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Money

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Books Communication Reading/Writing

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Food/Drink

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there’s scarcely a hole in it anywhere.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Insults Intelligence Stupidity

There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics

Nothing seems to please a fly so much as to be taken for a currant; and if it can be baked in a cake and palmed off on the unwary, it dies happy.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals

New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions; next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations Time

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication Language Speech Success

The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Happiness Intelligence Money Poverty Wealth

Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Emotions Happiness

I was born lazy; I am no lazier now than I was forty years ago, but that is because I reached the limit forty years ago.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Work

Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Health Insults Places

To eat is human, to digest, divine.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Eating Food/Drink Wordplay

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Proverbs Situations

There ain’t no way to find out why a snorer can’t hear himself snore.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Activities Sleep

You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Honesty Insults Lies

Those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Congress Food/Drink Government Law

Education: The path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Education Intelligence